Two years ago I lost a friend. I had known them for a decade. Found out a month after? It wasn't just an absense. it wasn't 'things fell through on them finding somewhere to live.' They were dead. I was staring at their memorial page and both feel like I barely knew them as there waso nly a VERY narrow slice of life we shared, and yet? I remember the months leading up where I could do nothing as their life seemed to be falling apart and they were at risk of being put on the street.
All I could do was try being someone they could talk to, and yet? That damning, 'What else could I have done?' Nothing. I could do nothing. yet at the same time?
I've lost too many friends. People either thinking I am unworthy of investing more time in, simply falling out of touch, or just the drift of time. Every loss hurts, because I do not make friends easily, or really at all. Oh there are people I consider myself decent terms with, but at the same time? I'm reaching a point in my life where 'This is someone I knew for a decade, or fifteen, or twenty years.... and now I don't.'
I am not well. They have been gone for two years, Frankly we only interacted on a very VERY narrow level. Yet it still hurts. All those could haves. Those missteps I wish I could take back. Maybe it will always hurt.
They were my friend.